Understanding Instead of Judgement
by Teresia Smith
I once saw a quote that said: “How can we judge people for their choices when we know nothing about their options?” That quote stayed with me, especially when I think about people in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
From the outside, it always seems simple.
People look at someone’s relationship and say, “I would’ve left.” Or, “Why do they keep going back?”
But the truth is, nobody really knows what happens behind closed doors.
We see the outcome. We see the arguments, the heartbreak, the obvious red flags, or the pain someone is carrying.
What we usually don’t see are the fears, the emotional exhaustion, the manipulation, the loneliness, or the countless moments that made someone feel stuck.
Judgement is easy when we only see the ending.
Compassion starts when we stop and wonder what choices they actually had.
Sometimes people stay because they’re scared.
Sometimes they stay because they’ve been convinced that they’re the problem.
Sometimes they stay because they love the person and keep hoping things will change.
Sometimes they stay because they have nowhere else to go emotionally, financially, or physically.
A lot of people in unhealthy relationships don’t have money saved up.
Some don’t have jobs because their partner discouraged them from working or made them dependent.
They may not even have a driver’s license or transportation.
Often, they don’t have family they can turn to because the abuser has destroyed those relationships to maintain control.
Some have children to think about. Some don’t even have a safe place to sleep if they leave.
And not everyone in these situations is an adult with resources or experience.
Teenagers end up in unhealthy relationships too.
Young people who are still learning what love is supposed to look like can easily mistake control for protection, jealousy for caring, or emotional manipulation for love.
Many teens stay quiet because they’re embarrassed, afraid no one will take them seriously, or worried they’ll be blamed for staying.
And sometimes what looks like a “bad choice” from the outside feels like the safest or only choice they have at the time.
That’s why judging people in unhealthy relationships helps no one.
It’s easy to think we would make different decisions when we’re not the ones living through the situation.
It’s easy to say “just leave” when we aren’t carrying the fear, confusion, attachment, trauma, or survival concerns that can come with these relationships.
What actually helps is support.
Sometimes simply knowing resources exist can help someone take their first step toward leaving.
A friend sharing information about shelters, counseling, hotlines, legal aid, housing assistance, job programs, or support groups can make a huge difference.
When someone feels trapped, knowing there are people, organizations, and safe places willing to help can give them hope they didn’t have before.
Not everyone leaves the first time they try. Some people need time, a plan, financial stability, emotional support, or just one person who believes them without judgment.
The reality is that unhealthy relationships rarely start unhealthy.
Most begin with love, comfort, attention, and hope.
The harmful behavior often happens slowly, little by little, until the person inside the relationship no longer recognizes themself.
People don’t need shame for that.
They need support. They need patience.
They need someone who listens instead of someone who lectures.
You never fully know what someone is battling privately.
You don’t know how many times they tried to leave, how many nights they cried themselves to sleep, or how hard they’re fighting just to get through another day.
Compassion changes conversations.
Judgment shuts them down. So instead of asking, “Why are they staying?”
maybe we should start asking, “What are they going through that makes leaving so hard?”
Because understanding someone’s choices starts with understanding the weight they’re carrying.
If you are a victim of intimate partner violence or sexual assault, Crisis Services of North Alabama staffs an office in Jackson County where you can receive free and confidential services such as court advocacy, referrals, support group, crisis counseling, assistance with PFA’s and more.
You may call the office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment with an advocate.
We also offer a 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000 where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor.
Reach out. You are not alone.
