How to Know if it’s Abusive
by Teresia Smith
Do you think your partner’s behaviors may be abusive even if it’s not physical? Putting you down and shouting at you is verbal and emotional abuse. Torturing you by controlling where or when you sleep is a tactic of mental abuse. Blaming you by saying he can’t stand to be around you is a type of gaslighting. He’s trying to rewrite your memory of events as an argument that you caused through your behavior, which is not true. He’s blame-shifting; manipulation tactic of avoiding accountability by shifting the blame onto you.
The more you can educate yourself about the tactics of abuse, the more it may begin to make sense that none of this is your fault. Anyone can be abused. It has nothing to do with any of the actions of the victim. However, abusers selectively choose victims who are often caring and empathetic and who will give them umpteen chances to make “mistakes.” They also look for vulnerable individuals, survivors who may have come from a difficult family life and are eager to get away and find security with someone else. When the abuser knows you were mistreated as a child, that should mean they have an obligation to be even more gentle and supportive. Being abusive knowing your history is even worse.
If your partner is displaying the above abusive behaviors, he has some serious work to do. He needs to understand that he’s being abusive toward you and that it’s on him to stop this. If you talk to him about this, does he take any responsibility for it, or does he continue to blame you? Most abusers refuse to be held accountable. Your accusation of him being abusive could even anger him further.
You may want to reconsider staying in this relationship. If your partner doesn’t believe his actions are abusive, that means he’s rationalized them in his head. He’ll continue to abuse you, and his abuse will likely escalate. What’s controlling and intimidating now could become scary, dangerous and violent in the coming months or years. These are some signs of escalation to look for. They mean that things are getting worse, not better, for you:
•Isolating you from friends or family and/or discouraging you from seeing them.
•Blaming you and others for his behavior; not taking responsibility for his own actions.
•Threatening you with a weapon.
•Pushing, shoving or cornering you.
•Destroying your property.
•Threatening to hurt or kill your pets.
•Threatening to take away or harm your children.
•Does not respect your boundaries; keeps constant tabs on your activities.
•Displays excessive jealousy or paranoia.
•Rages out of control with you, but can maintain composure around others.
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to a domestic violence organization near you and speak to one of their trained advocates. They can help you develop a safety plan so that you can leave safely when you’re ready. Remember that only you know when it’s safe to go. You deserve to feel safe at all times.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to survivors or intimate partner violence and sexual assault. You may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000. Reach out. You are not alone.
