What Children Learn
by Teresia Smith
Do you ever think about what kids learn when they grow up around domestic violence? That’s the kind of question that can make a conversation go quiet for a minute.
Because when we talk about domestic violence, we usually talk about the person being hurt.
We talk about the bruises, the fear, the arguments, the police calls, the leaving and starting over. But what about the kids?
They may not be the ones being hit, but they are watching and listening.
And they’re trying to make sense of what they’re seeing.
A child might sit in their bedroom and hear their parents arguing downstairs.
Maybe they hear a door slam or maybe they hear someone crying. Maybe they hear one parent apologizing over and over. And that child is taking it all in. They’re learning.
They’re learning what happens when someone gets angry.
They’re learning who seems to have the power in the house.
They’re learning when it’s safer shrink themselves and to be quiet.
They may even learn to listen for the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and know, just by the way the door closes, what kind of evening it’s going to be.
That’s a lot for a child to carry.
And here’s the part that is really sad: children can start confusing those things with love.
If you’re little and the people you’re supposed to learn about love from are constantly fighting, controlling one another, apologizing, making up and then doing it all over again, how are you supposed to know that isn’t what love is supposed to look like?
A child might grow up thinking jealousy means someone cares, that yelling is just how couples communicate and that one person gets to make all the decisions.
Maybe they think that you keep secrets to protect the people you love and that if you can just behave a little better, maybe everyone will stop fighting.
And some kids take on a role they never should have to play.
They become the peacekeeper and protector.
The one who watches the younger kids. The one who tries to make Mom feel better. The one who steps between two adults when things get out of control.
Think about that for a minute.
A child whose biggest concern should be homework, soccer practice or whether they remembered their lunch is instead worrying about whether everyone in the house will be safe tonight.
That’s not childhood.
But here’s the good news.
Those children aren’t doomed to repeat what they’ve seen.
That’s something I think we need to talk about more.
Children can learn something different.
They can learn that love isn’t supposed to make you afraid.
They can learn that you don’t have to control someone to love them.
They can learn that disagreements don’t have to turn into screaming matches.
They can learn that saying “I’m sorry” means more when the behavior actually changes.
And they can learn that asking for help isn’t something to be ashamed of.
Sometimes, that lesson comes from another adult.
A teacher who notices something isn’t right.
A grandparent who listens.
A coach who gives a child a safe place to talk.
A neighbor who takes a concern seriously.
A family friend who tells a child, “This isn’t your fault.”
Those words can matter more than we realize.
Because children living with domestic violence often carry around things they don’t know how to put into words.
They may not know how to say, “I’m scared when Dad gets angry,” or “I don’t know what to do when Mom cries.”
Sometimes it comes out as anger.
Sometimes it comes out as silence.
Sometimes it looks like trouble at school or difficulty concentrating. Sometimes it looks like a child who suddenly seems older than they should.
So during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, maybe we should ask ourselves a different question.
Not just, “How can we stop domestic violence?” But also, “What are the children learning from it?”
And then maybe ask an even more important question.
What can we teach them instead?
We can teach them that love feels safe.
That respect goes both ways.
That nobody has the right to control another person.
That violence is never an acceptable way to solve a problem.
And that no matter what they’ve seen at home, they get to write a different story for their own lives.
Because children are always watching us.
They’re learning from what we say.
But they’re learning even more from what we do. And every child deserves to grow up knowing that love should never hurt, frighten or control them.
If you or a loved one are experiencing domestic violence, reach out.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Call our office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment with an advocate. You are not alone.
