When checking in becomes controlling
by Teresia Smith
Technology has completely changed the way teenagers build and maintain relationships. Not all that long ago, if you wanted to talk to someone after school, you called the house phone and hoped their parents didn’t answer first.
Once you hung up, the conversation was over until the next day.
Today, relationships travel everywhere with our teens.
A phone in their pocket means they’re connected through text messages, Snapchat, Instagram, FaceTime, location sharing, and countless other apps.
Staying connected isn’t a bad thing.
In fact, technology can help friends and dating partners support one another in meaningful ways.
The challenge is that communication never really ends and sometimes neither does the pressure.
It’s perfectly normal for someone to say, “Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.”
That’s caring.
It’s another thing entirely when someone expects an immediate response every time they send a message, gets upset if a text isn’t answered within minutes, or insists on knowing where their partner is every moment of the day.
The difference often comes down to one simple word: choice.
Healthy relationships allow room for independence.
Someone should be able to choose whether they share their location, decide who they spend time with, and maintain friendships without being questioned or made to feel guilty.
Trust grows through respect, not surveillance.
Unfortunately, controlling behavior doesn’t usually announce itself with flashing warning signs.
It often starts with comments that sound almost flattering.
“I just miss you.” “If you loved me, you’d answer.”
“Why don’t you trust me enough to give me your password?”
Over time, those requests can become expectations.
Before long, one person may feel like they need permission to see friends, put their phone down, or simply enjoy a few hours without checking in.
That’s not love. That’s control.
Parents have an important role in helping teens recognize the difference.
Rather than jumping straight into lectures or accusations, try asking open-ended questions such as “What do you think healthy boundaries online look like?
“How would you feel if someone demanded your password?”, “What would you do if a boyfriend or girlfriend became angry every time you didn’t respond right away”?
Those conversations create opportunities for teens to think through situations before they find themselves in one.
The goal isn’t to make young people afraid of dating or technology.
It’s to help them understand that respect, trust, and healthy boundaries are the foundation of every good relationship, online and offline.
When teens learn to recognize controlling behavior early, they’re far more likely to build relationships where they feel valued, respected, and free to simply be themselves.
It’s the perfect time to reinforce the hallmarks of healthy relationships.
Boundaries and consent are two things you need to talk about often.
Boundaries protect us and each person has the right to set their boundaries.
Boundaries can be physical, such as telling someone you don’t want a hug.
Boundaries can also be emotional, such as telling someone you aren’t comfortable sharing personal information.
And, of course, boundaries can be sexual, such as telling someone you are plan to stay celibate until marriage.
Make sure you teach your teens not only to set their boundaries but also to respect others’ boundaries.
No means no.
And remind them that consent cannot be given when a person is impaired, such as using drugs and alcohol, or if they are asleep or unconscious.
And just because they gave consent in the past doesn’t mean consent is given in the future.
If we are able to teach our teens about boundaries, consent and healthy relationships early, maybe they can recognize red flags and avoid abusive relationships.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to victims of sexual assault and intimate partner violence.
You may reach our Jackson County office for an appointment at 256.574.5826.
If you have questions about healthy relationship or red flags, please reach out. You are not alone.
