Talking to teens about dating violence: A conversation we can’t avoid
by Teresia Smith
Teen dating relationships are often remembered later in life with a kind of soft nostalgia. All the awkward first dates, the hallway hand-holding, the relationships that didn’t last but still taught something along the way.
Most of them fade with time.
But not all teenage relationships are harmless or healthy.
According to the American Psychological Association, more than 10% of high school students experience some form of abuse in a dating relationship, whether physical, verbal, or emotional.
And those experiences don’t always stay in high school.
They can leave lasting emotional and psychological scars that follow young people well into adulthood.
As Dr. Benjamin Maxwell, medical director of inpatient psychiatry at Rady Children’s Hospital-San Diego, has explained, trauma during adolescence can have long-reaching effects.
Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, even suicidal thoughts can all be connected to early abusive experiences.
In some cases, teens may also be more likely to struggle with eating disorders, risky behaviors, or unhealthy relationships later in life.
That’s heavy information, but it points us toward something important:
this is a conversation we cannot afford to avoid.
One of the most powerful tools we have is simply talking to teens early and often.
Not in a one-time lecture, but in ongoing conversations that help them recognize what healthy relationships look like and what they don’t.
Abuse isn’t always obvious at first. It doesn’t only show up as physical violence. In fact, it often begins in quieter, more confusing ways that can be easy to dismiss or excuse.
•Verbal abuse might look like insults, name-calling, humiliation in front of others, or even cruel messages sent through texts or social media.
•Emotional or psychological abuse can be just as damaging. That might include controlling behavior, isolating a partner from friends, demanding passwords, monitoring their location, or sharing private information or images without consent.
•Physical abuse is more recognizable. Some examples could be pushing, grabbing, hitting, choking, or throwing objects. But by the time it reaches that point, the relationship is already deeply unsafe.
•Sexual abuse or coercion, which can sometimes be disguised as pressure or guilt. Statements like “If you loved me, you would…” or “If you don’t, I’ll leave you” may not sound violent on the surface, but they are forms of emotional manipulation that remove true consent.
So, what does prevention look like?
It starts at home, in conversations that help teens understand boundaries, consent, respect, and what it means to care for someone without controlling them.
As Dr. Maxwell notes, it also means letting teens know you are a safe place to talk, someone they can come to with questions, concerns, or even confusion.
Of course, those conversations matter even more when something has already gone wrong.
If a teen finds themselves in an abusive relationship, the first response from adults matters more than most of us realize.
Listen. Believe them. And resist the urge to question their judgment in a moment when they already feel vulnerable or ashamed.
Reassure them that they are not to blame. Abuse is never the fault of the person experiencing it.
Not for what they said, not for what they wore, not for how they reacted, and not for staying too long.
From there, safety becomes the priority.
That may mean working with schools, counselors, or local resources to create a plan to safely exit the relationship.
In some cases, law enforcement or protective orders may be necessary.
None of this is easy. And it’s not a topic most families want to imagine needing to address. But silence doesn’t protect teens. Information does.
Abuse is never the victim’s fault.
And in most cases, it doesn’t simply resolve on its own.
The more we talk about healthy relationships, the more we normalize respect, boundaries, and accountability, the better chance we give teens to recognize when something isn’t right and to believe they deserve better.
Sometimes the most important conversations are the uncomfortable ones.
This is one of them.
If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual assault or domestic violence, help is available.
Crisis Services of North Alabama provides support through the Jackson County office at 256-574-5826 and a 24/7 HELPline at 256-716-1000.
