Help! My Holidays Don’t Look Like the Movies!
by Teresia Smith
Have you been watching the holiday movies on Hallmark, GAC, or other channels? Beautifully decorated homes, families in matching pajamas sitting around a table laden with delicious looking food, community tree lightings and caroling, everybody smiling and laughing and getting along. It all looks so perfect. But we must remind ourselves that it is a TV show and not reality for most. We can easily try to replicate what we see on TV and then feel upset when our celebrations don’t match our expectations. So, what do you do when your holidays don’t look like a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie?
First, manage your expectations. Everything may not go as you planned, and that’s okay. Life is full of imperfection and we can embrace that and be thankful for what we do have. Andrea Liner, a Maria Droste therapist, reminds us, “Stress, anxiety, fear, sadness or pain can replace all the good cheer that’s presented as the “true” holiday experience. If you aren’t experiencing that festive feeling, it can be easy to feel that you are somehow wrong. The idea that other people’s lives are perfect can make us resentful and judge ourselves too harshly.” We can get overwhelmed with trying to do too much or comparing ourselves to others. We must ask ourselves if whatever is stressing us out is truly important.
Five years from now, will it really matter? Will anyone remember if the decorations were elaborate or will they remember the warmth and welcome they felt in your presence? If I am frustrated standing in line to purchase gifts, will I allow it to spoil my joy or can I use this time to be an encouragement to someone else? This is a great time to remind ourselves of what really matters.
Secondly, we can manage our responses. We can’t control other’s actions but we can always control our reactions. If someone is being difficult, take a breath and remember that most often a person may be experiencing things you are not aware of and that is why they act that way. People struggle with the holiday season for many reasons. There may be loss or trauma associated with them. Seasonal activities and traditions may simply highlight a loss of a loved one or bring on feelings of loneliness. The extra expenses, time and effort that come with giving gifts or entertaining can cause stress and worry. Show kindness and compassion and you may not only be a blessing to them but it will soften your heart also.
Lastly, it’s good to be kind to ourselves. Let go of negativity and stop being a self-critic. Set reasonable goals you are able to reach and build on those achievements. We all tend to make elaborate plans and then kick ourselves when we don’t accomplish everything.
Instead, put those things on your list to try next year. Put good boundaries in place to protect your peace. Allow yourself to realize that everyone has struggles. Accepting that and finding coping strategies to get through the harder times can help you have happier holidays. Work to control the things you can and let go of what you can’t control. Utilize your support system to talk through the things that are bothering you. Especially if you’re noticing more intense emotions, counseling can be an invaluable tool to feel more in control and more at peace with the season.
Crisis Services of North Alabama has a 24/7 HELPline where you can reach a crisis counselor at 256.716.1000. If you are a survivor of sexual assault or intimate partner violence, we have a local office which provides free services such as court advocacy, support groups, crisis counseling, and other assistance, which you can reach at 256.574.5826. If you are struggling during the holidays, or any time, reach out.
