Breaking Up is Hard to Do
by Teresia Smith
We can all agree that breaking off a relationship can be very painful at any age. Often, we stress teaching our teens to stay away from drugs, not to text and drive, appropriate use of social media, and much more, but, we rarely teach them how to break off a relationship in a healthy way. While it may not be something parents consider when talking with their teens about dating in general, research points to the importance of also teaching them how to break up.
If you don’t think teaching teens how to break up in a healthy way is important, consider this: “According to the CDC, 1 in 4 teens reports being in an abusive relationship of some kind (emotional, physical, verbal or sexual) and 10% of teens report being a victim of relationship violence. For some, mostly young women, ending the relationship has resulted in their death, at the hands of their ex-boyfriend.” (https://www.hartsteinpsychological.com).
We need to start the conversation with our teens on how to best handle break ups. Focus on how to be direct in sharing their desire to end the relationship while also being careful with another’s feelings. Most of the time, teenagers don’t want to discuss romantic relationships with their parents. So where do teens go to get advice on this? From other teens and often the media. Have you read any magazines or watched any reality shows lately that represent healthy relationships or how to break up in the best way possible? I doubt you have found many. Most are all about drama, because that seems to get higher ratings, and the role models represented are not healthy in any way.
But yet, this is where many teens are being taught how breaking off relationships should look. Now we can understand why often they won’t even break up with someone face-to-face or why many break ups end up as drama filled posts on social media.
So, what should a parent do? A great place to begin is early on start teaching kids about healthy relationships. This includes friendships as well as romantic relationships. As parents, we must listen to our kids and build a connection with them where they feel comfortable coming to us for advice. Be open and honest but try to not come across with judgement. If they feel criticized, they may not want to talk to you about this again.
There is no single answer to every break-up situation, but here are some ideas that you can keep in mind. Be sensitive to the other person’s feelings. Consider how the other person may react and be prepared. They may burst into tears or they may react with anger and you need to be prepared either way. Let them know that you do care for them, but be honest about how you feel. Being honest is not being unkind or cruel. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you are afraid to hurt someone. Break up in person. If you are grown up enough to be in a relationship, you should be grown up enough to end it well. Show respect by breaking up face-to-face. Do not go on social media and vilify the other person. At some point, you were attracted to them and found their qualities appealing so disrespecting them by badmouthing or gossiping only makes you look bad. It is possible in the future that your relationship with your ex could turn into a friendship and there’s no reason to blast your business to the world.
Every relationship we experience has value. Each can be an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves, others, and what we are looking for in a future partner. Break-ups, even though they are hard, have value too. They are opportunities to learn and build good conflict resolution skills, learn to respect others’ feelings, and be able to have hard conversations with ease, all of which are assets as you enter adulthood.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers crisis counseling, safe shelter, support groups, advocacy, forensic nurse exams, assistance obtaining protection orders, safety planning and more for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline (256.716.1000) where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor or you may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826.
