by Heather Dohring
I was always the girl who was strong, independent, and quick to say, “I don’t know why they put up with that — I’d just leave. That will never be me.”
And then one day, it was me.
In my twenties, I found myself in a relationship that became both physically and mentally violent. The strong, independent woman I once was became weak and completely reliant on what I thought was an amazing person. All violence is devastating, but the mental abuse was the hardest. I felt useless, unworthy of love, and hopeless.
Each night when my abuser went to work, I would quietly pack his things into totes, determined that I’d make him leave when he came home. But every night, about an hour before he returned, I unpacked them , paralyzed by the sheer panic of what might happen if he saw them packed.
The relationship ended the night I finally kept his things packed and asked him to go. He responded with a violent attack. As he choked me, I managed to dial 911 and throw the phone across the room, praying someone would hear. When police arrived, he wasn’t arrested because the marks on my neck weren’t “dark enough.” That night, I packed up my things, and my children’s, and never went back.
Not every woman is that lucky. Many don’t survive. Too many children are left without a parent, and the pattern continues.
Domestic violence is far more common than many realize. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the United States.
Victims often feel trapped or powerless. But you are not alone. Learning to recognize the signs of abuse can save lives.
Warning signs that someone may be experiencing abuse
•Excuses for injuries
•Personality changes, such as sudden low self-esteem
•Constantly checking in with their partner
•Lack of access to money
•Fear of displeasing their partner
•Absences from work, school, or social events for unclear reasons
•Wearing inappropriate clothing for the season
Warning signs of an abuser
•Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
•Unpredictability and a bad temper
•Verbal abuse or humiliation
•Cruelty to animals
•Controlling behavior including finances, appearance, or friendships
•Forcing or coercing sex
•Sabotaging birth control
•Blaming the victim for problems
•Isolating the victim from work, school, or family
•Accusing the victim of infidelity
•Abusing other family members or pets
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out. Help is available 24/7: National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or you may reach Crisis Services at 256.574.5826
You are not alone. There is hope, and there is a way out.
