How to support someone who discloses sexual assault
by Teresia Smith
When someone chooses to disclose an experience of sexual assault to you, it’s a significant act of trust. How you respond in that moment can have a lasting impact on their healing process. Your role isn’t to fix what happened, investigate the situation, or offer legal advice — your role is to support. So how can you offer meaningful, compassionate, and respectful support when someone shares their story of sexual assault with you?
First, you will need to listen without judgment. The most important thing you can do is just listen. Don’t ask “why” questions such as “Why were you there?” or “Why didn’t you leave?” as these can sound like victim blaming even if you don’t intend it to be. Let them speak in their own words at their own pace. You can use phrases such as “thank you for trusting me with this” or “I am so sorry this happened to you” to express your support.
Secondly, believe them. Many survivors worry they won’t be believed. Your belief can counter the self-doubt or shame they might be feeling. You can say “I believe you”, “This wasn’t your fault” and remind them “you are not alone”. Remember: your job isn’t to verify, it’s to support.
Respect their choices. Sexual assault involves a violation of power and control. One way to support survivors is to help them regain a sense of control over their own lives and choices. Don’t pressure them to report to police, confront the perpetrator, or take any specific action. They need to know their options and make their own decisions. You might ask something like “what would feel helpful to you right now?” or “do you want help finding resources”. Letting them lead while you walk with them is the best way to support.
Maintain confidentiality. Unless there is immediate danger or you are legally required to report, such as in the case of a minor, keep things confidential. Do not share their story with others, even if your intentions are good. Breaking that trust can be deeply damaging.
Finally, educate yourself. Learning more about trauma and sexual assault can help you be a more effective supporter. This reduces the burden on the survivor to explain or justify their experience and how they are feeling. Learn about the effects of trauma on human behavior, locate local resources for survivors, and dispel myths about sexual assault.
Healing is not linear, and survivors may experience a wide range of emotions such as anger, numbness, confusion, guilt, fear, or even seeming fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. This is normal. Your continued presence and understanding, even weeks or months after disclosure, can be a powerful reminder that they’re not alone. And remember, in the midst of this, take care of yourself too. Secondary trauma is a real thing. Supporting someone through trauma can be emotionally heavy. It’s okay to seek your own support, as long as it doesn’t violate the survivor’s privacy. Talk to a therapist, join a support group, or engage in self-care. And always remember: You don’t need perfect words — just presence, compassion, and respect.
At Crisis Services of North Alabama Jackson County Office, we offer services to survivors of sexual assault and intimate partner violence. You may reach our office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment. You may also speak with a trained crisis counselor at our 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000. You are not alone.
